EXTRATERRESTRIALS MESSING IN THE MONKEYS? |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
THE MISSING LINK: A JERKES STUDY  Feb 1996

"We know he is a baboon, we have studied him for years." These words, spoken by a paranoid schizophrenic manic depressive in a San Diego mental institution in the early sixties now ring with a certain truth. There has always been the assertion that man evolved from monkeys. How he do dat? Not without some help. Since the emergence of Homo-Erectus (not funny) when quasi-simian-humanoid creatures walked upright, there was a clear evolutionary procession, then a leap to early man. In other words, The species went from a over-hairy, squawking, buck fanged, Mongolian poot thrower - to a medium hairy, level eyed, wolf-esque, grunting urban professional. Following is a proposed physical character delineation of the missing link: Slightly goony, not too unhairy, a big knot on his forehead, with the eyes of a thinking animal. The creature may also have a power ranger fixation. "Link" will be a barefoot joker who will stink to the Bejesus Belt by all assumptions. The Jerkes Research Professional - dedicated to convicting the UFO Goers of genetic vandalism.


 

||||||| JERKES PRIMATE LABORATORY  ||||||  BIGFOOT UPDATE

BIGFOOT UPDATE: Old Facts, New Science (Continuing in the Series of) 15 March 1997

Yakima, Washington rodeo rider Roger Paterson in Bluff Creek California in 1959 shot the most conclusive piece of film of what is believed to be of BIGFOOT. The creature in the film is estimated to be over 8 feet tall with physical features so intrinsic to a zoologist's estimation of what an oversized primate should resemble, that still today is impossible for modern science to deny. The image of the "Sasquatch, or Yetti" in the film has a hip width estimated to be over three feet wide - quite a trick for a man in a monkey suit given the creatures fluidity of movement. It has a bulge at the breast, and pendulous breasts, possibly laryngeal air sacks or tracheal outpouchings that occur on primates over a certain weight class, this feature wouldn't occur to any faker and too difficult to engineer with any degree of authenticity. The simian spectacle also has a sagital crest (a peak of hair on the top-back of the head common to the two parietal bones of the skull, which occurs in high primates over 400 pounds and some humans). No faker could have thought of all this and created a suit with these anthro-anatomic features on the scale of the figure in the Paterson film complete with a casual six foot stride - it is not likely, nor humanly possible. Scientists believe the creature could be an advanced form of the Giganta Pithecus (thought to be extinct), or maybe the missing link, or maybe even early man. Paterson swore on his death bed in 1969 that his film is authentic. However, a Bigfoot will be one day be discovered dead or alive. With the truth revealed, then there will be no skeptics, and Bigfoot will be as much a part of our lives as King Kong, and the Easter Bunny. Jerkes Primate Laboratories Research Datamation: 17 Feb 1996, From TANT Files (True And Nearly True) Excerpts from the Research of Dr. Grover Kramps, University of Oregon Anthropology Dept.


|||||||| JERKES PRIMATE LABORATORIES ||||||||
Divine Destiny 02\07\97 

(Jerkes IgnoNet News & Information Group) Division Jerkes Primate Laboratories - Bringing the Anthropology to you.

New studies show that man (the homo-series), has been active on this planet for as much as one million years. That indicates a sizable number of hominids previously inhabiting this planet. The question is where are they now? Anthropological spiritualists asked this question recently in a Portland, Oregon seminar entitled: "Homo Erectus - Their Divine Destiny." The Reverend Dr. Phellus Mcbacky says "If god is truly a benevolent god then all people throughout the ages have had an equal chance at the heaven thereafter." This conjures up the specter of legions of cavemen squatting along those golden streets, or Saint Peter set up to tag ears. This thought that heaven may be over-abundant with post missing-link hominids is feasible given the historical total estimated 'just human enough to get in." "Nobody said Adam and Eve weren't some hairy mongrels." Said University of Washington's Professor Grover Kramps. And a southern Baptist council representative complained: "This thing caint be right, spending eternity elbowing through packs of flea bitten poot throwers don't sound like much of a reward! The group concluded that something has to be wrong to have all these people in the same room, aside from the flagrant disregard of anthro-political correctness displayed. Dr. Reverend McBacky put it best by saying: "When you get up there, you're going to have to get along."Copyright 1996 (Jerkes IgnoNet News & Information Group) Division Jerkes Primate Laboratories - a non-profit organization.... That's "no"profit.


|||||||||||||||| JERKES IGNONET |||||||||||||||| Cro-Magnon Caz.

Internet surfers are abuzz with debate on the latest topic: The possibility of Caz as a sub-specie. Caz, the watermelon sales superstar of the 20th century, submitted to a forced biopsy by paramilitary mutant scientists off laboratory road in Oak Ridge. The scientists isolated a "Caz gene" responsible for superhuman mercantile hominids such as Giganta Pithicus, Cro-Magnon Man, Peking Man, and the Minnesota IceMan (a rotting carnival exhibit partially visible in a block of ice - that mysteriously disappeared in 1959). Each of these branch species are documented to have superior sales characteristics. Peking man for instance, was a grape pusher, and Cro-Magnon Man was famous for abundant bug runs (ref: Paleo Deli, Jerkes June 95), and of course from snow cone fame - the Minnesota Iceman. The Caz Gene however, it is reported has been suppressed in recent generations, possibly due to large populations of humans being sold a rash of shit.(JERKES For The Record Archives 1996) Guff Retention Library #3284


 

|||||||||||||||| JERKES STUDY - Seeking the Goon Within. ||||||||||
From the JERKES Primate Labs Essay: Evolution of Goon 10/24/97

The evolution of man hasn't been an orderly progression. The earliest known humanoids featured protruding foreheads, bulgy cheekbones, and dramatically extruded overbites. These body traits from the raw form were then cast by generations of physical demands on the human machine. However, don't take comfort in modern evolution following the natural course. Jerkes Primate Laboratory's Research Professionals (JPLRPs) have established the burgeoning belly, long scrawny toothpick legs and flat ass characteristics of the modern nerd came from sitting in front of a console for hours on-end eating microwave delights. IT WILL PLAY INTO THE NEXT GENERATION. So, If you soon birth a child, be careful to check for the big-veiny brain-head, long skinny fingers evolving for good keyboard adaptability, and a pale and impermeable gray hyde resistant to electro-magnetic radiation. Be responsible with each action you take, You are captaining the DNA destiny of a great race! Jerkes Research Professional: Bringing the Anthropology Home to Roast.


 

||||||||||||||| JERKES IGNONET WARNING |||||||||||||||| Indonesian Consumer Report (Jerkes Primate Laboratories) copyright AUG 1997

A warning has been issued to travelers to Malaysia of the danger of human heads purchased being less than authentic. Shrunken skulls, a popular souvenir have turned up fakes in recent months. The Minister of Trade Kilongwe Doung from the Malaysian capital city of Kuala Lumpur said Friday: "We regret there are some irreputable skull dealers in our capital, it appears a good bit of the shrunken merchandise has turned up counterfeit, substituting only human scalp over soggy baseballs or sewn face representations from pigskin. In some cases sellers are passing off blanched cat heads with little sunglasses as the genuine article." It is advised to get the name and address of your dealer and customer service phone number before you leave the country in the event you suspect your product phony, faulty, or if sawdust leaks from your head. This warning comes in the shadows of last year's controversy: A string of vendors shut down for selling salty lemonade. (Circular Control #3748-ABF-12) NOTE: Some disclaim these reports as aspersions from competitors in neighboring Borneo.


 

|||||||||||||||| JERKES STUDY: REFLECTIONS OF A CLOWN ||||||||||||||
When Cavemen Were Clowns

Anthropologists may forget that in primitive cave society, circus was an important part of culture. Peking Man for instance, was discovered in a subcompact automobile with flowers on it; Neanderthal still wearing his large artificial red nose. Researchers can only speculate how those ragged, hairy guys with buck-foreheads must have looked while practicing trapeze acts high in the trees of primal jungles. Many archeologists have uncovered quasi-human remains; Grim sites of bones draped in polka dotted bloomers, skeletal remains with feet still stuffed into over sized shoes, and bleached skulls with sardonic grimaces under gag straw hats. One can only imagine this lost time in a prehistoric three ring where sad, hairy-fanged-clowns may have delighted the cave kids, then to give a bloody bird leg for a lollipop, or a dodo bladder for a balloon. One can only imagine how those semi-simian entertainers must have looked cart wheeling across primitive three rings - and how that must have smelled.

Jerkes Primate Labs - Bringing the Anthropology to you.


||||||||||||||||||||||||| JERKES REPORT: Anthropomorphic "Changeling" |||||||||||||| 
Jerkes Primate Labs: "Where particular anthropologists congregate"

Paleo-Indian rock expressionists used vertical canyon walls to mark their passage into time. Blackened with desert varnish sheer and flat, sandstone canvases of the west include horned, broad shouldered giants, half animal - half man, and ghostly robed creatures with looming eyes. These primitive scratching not only echo the dreams and dreads of our cultural ancestors, but also reflect life as it really was. Someday, future archeologists will discover petroglyph etchings on the concrete canyons of our time, with anthropomorphisms remarkably as giant, but much less frightening, and much more round in the middle. Portrayed will be the suffering of the modern techno-phites: Supine and hypnotized by flashes of light from a magic box, caged button pushing primates are hunched before screens bewildered by what it all means. Living in fear of losing a monetary game within a cracked society, their only saving grace comes in the form of instantaneous gratification, more properly - a microwave milkshake.


 

 

|||||||||||||| JERKES INTERNET BULLETIN: Missing Link Clan? ||||||||||||||  Reprinted with permission from the US Nude and World Report June 2006    @Jerkes Primate Lab - a not for profit research organization.

In the series: To Uncover The Missing Link

A recent expose by National Geogrophick portrayed a formerly unknown species of African mountain ape. Similar to Chimpanzees, they have the most human characteristics of any primate yet discovered such as hairless faces and arms, and a human hairline. With the hairless face, they are capable of, and produce humanlike expressions. Sexual habits were described as that of street behavior. The male furnished the female with branches of favorite leaves, in return she gave him some. Also most curious to researchers, this group of high primates engage in numerous sexual positions including; military, Danish delivery, and astonishingly - even Mexican cowboy! Is this really a previously undiscovered clan of high primate, or evolution in the process? You be the judge; see the video. Rated X. (due to all the doo-doo-doo you know...)


 

|||||||||||||||||||| JERKES IGNONET |||||||||| Neanderthal Research
From National Geographick Feb 1996

A recent article featured in The National Geographick Magazine exposes new research in pale anthropology. The ancestral group of hominids known as Neanderthals have gained new respect in a humane class. A Neanderthal skull found in eastern France bears scars of what is certainly a serious, nearly mortal wound. This individual must have been cared for by others for food, water, and perhaps some sort of rudimentary first aid. This rare find caves in the image of the Neanderthals as heartless club swinging brutes. See, its like dis, Neanderthal cool and foxy... aunt no punk, might go up the block woofing dat boo-shet about they got dis and they got dat and go bust up side yo head if you talking all crazy and shet, but aunt no gangstas back at the crib and thangs you see what I'm saying?... Dr. Doggie Dra Bra - Jerkes Primate Laboratories Special Lecturer:  ( Like Dis and Like Dat Research Group )


|||||||||||||| JERKES INTERNET BULLETIN:  DATELINE: KNOXVILLE, TN:  SIGHTINGS HAS DISCOVERED: A New High Primate:  SHABHIGHS - article reprinted with permission from The Watch Rat News

A recent sighting was reported of what could be the mysterious Bi-Lo Aloha Video Hag. This time interacting with humans causing an anthropological uprising at Little Ceeser's Pizza on Kingston Pike. The elbow on the counter, surly looks to the cooks, the cockeyed smirk and jacked up stance, fiddle fingers and Hawaiian dance indicates this is the same primate that psychologically terrorized the customers at Bi-Lo' s video market a scant week ago. You can't mistake that woman, said the head Pizza Chef, she started cussing about "Better put some more damn shit on it," and was making fun of us doing our jobs, mocking us like we were little fairies dancing around throwing pepperonis everywhere. " "She was staggering around in here and she stunk," said witness Connie Williams. Tracking of the beast has not been a problem for Jerkes Field Observers, experts profiled her in anthropological classification as a modern SHABHIGHS. (stringy haired balloon hipped goofy hick skag.) Translated:  coiffure ready, spa challenged, manic, & provincially undesirable.


 

||||||| JERKES PRIMATE LAB ||||||| Salito Customer Service Inquiry  ||||||PROVIDED FOR YOUR INFORMATION |||||

At approximately 12:14 Friday afternoon, 1997, I was eating my lunch at my desk. I was enjoying a pre-packaged luncheon special with the trade name "El Grande" by Saligo. There wasn't a clear explanation as to why the TV dinner was entitled 'El Grande' so I called the customer service number imprinted on the back of the carton. The agent wasn't sure and gave me another number to call. I dialed that number and spoke with a woman this time. When I asked why this lunch delight was called 'El Grande' she said "You are fixing to find out." I said I don't know what you mean," and she said "...by god you are going to." At that time I asked to speak to her supervisor. His name was Migilito Hosino-Soto Matos. Mr. Soto Matos's explanation was: "They call it the El Grande because of the sound it will make." I said "an El Grande sound?" And he said "Sir, you will get an El Grande allot of things from eating one of those El Grandes." I said "So you get a lot for your money?" He said "Se Sen'or."


 

|||| JERKES PRIMATE LABS: Political Anthropology |||||
Re-printed with permission.

"As a once burner of my draft card (the writer writes), I've burned something else this day: My voter registration card, a card that used to read democrat. I'm moving to right to be with everyone else. Moving to change. Moving to the new party- the party of anarchy, to the ;right, and as you know, the farther right you get, the richer you get, so, ;here I am - a Pat Buchanan supporter. I'm flag waving, god fearing, abortion fighting, gun waving, homo hatin, Jew cussin, epithet calling, and border guarding. I never knew what a wonderful world it could be, and I'm with so many of my own kind: angry, impatient, and intolerant. Oh there will be rallies, picnics, book burnings, clinic sieges, and the mere thought of a possible nomination of Pat Buchanan as the Republican candidate for president will give the go ahead for "the lynching to commence" after a reprieve of a socially conscious liberal domination of 3 and a half years! And like Newt and his aides, I'll be studying Hitler's writings, and possibly log me in a conviction for an assault on police officers like Pat Buchanan. I'm taking charge of myself AND my country. Oh, there wont be a vote on which religious denomination will finally rule the United States. That goes without saying." (The comments of Gaylord Hassell - Right wing moderate, unemployed donut chef, and part owner of a military surplus store, appearing on Knoxville's Community Television's Channel 20 "Bad TV")

horseshit only below this line:


 

TIME AND PLACE - A PRESENCE OF THOUGHT by Ton Codi

This year in the ancient Jewish calendar is 5756. The new year will change on September 14, 1996. Now, figuring back, that makes the beginning of the ;recorded time for the ancient Jewish to be about 3,760 years B.C. which may or may not be adjusted for common error- 36 years I think. Think about this for a second. Everything we have today basically comes from the ground- some things are easier to get than others, but everything comes form the Earth. From the tiniest electronic part to the most complex chemical molecule, we got it all. Take everything away and what are you left with? 5756, that's what! They didn't have squat. All they did was run naked as Jay birds from one extreme situation to another- from burning sun, freezing wind, hungry animals and all without a damn thing to help out. Do you think they had hobbies to relax with? Did they have cell phones to clear up some information needs. Did they have a razor to shave their scraggly faces, legs and armpits? What kind of clothes did they have without weaving and sewing equipment- climb into a antelope hide and drag it around behind you? What the hell did they do? They weren't in the Bronze Age, Ice Age, Stone Age, what's the deal? I can deal with the ancient Egyptians action, but did they go back that far? It's weird. I once heard about a caveman who recently thawed out from a glacier. The guy was estimated to be about 5000 years old, maybe older. The notions about ancient man were turned completely upside down after they checked out ice cat. They found a bunch of bone marrow in his stomach. According to the new theory, men and women had similar roles and the stuff about the guy dragging the woman around by the hair was decided to be stupid. Girls didn't stand around and keep the kitchen running with a fire and sweep out the cave either- fire attracted predators so that idea was decided to be stupid too. What they now figured out was everybody basically stayed on the go- like today. They moved together and in small groups- parties. Hey And the girls and guys scrounged up food together- the guys didn't hunt meat while the gals gathered fruit and nuts. Everybody found enough stuff to eat for themselves but kept an eye out for each other- like today. Watch people in Wendy's or McDonald's sometime. People look at your food then look around elsewhere to see who else is looking. Not a whole lot has changed except for the things we put into our mouths today are not quite as nasty. Actually, what the cave people lived on was bone marrow not meat- the meat was too spoiled for our cave ancestors to eat because larger predators buried the kill in the dirt. The only thing left fit to eat from a dirty old, rotted carcass which other creatures couldn't figure out how to get was the bone marrow. All a caveguy had to do was crack open an antelope leg like a big Alaskan King Crab leg, and munch. Just maybe, the bone marrow might be a hell of a lot more sanitary than a McDonald's hamburger. I wish I lived back then. Crackin' bones and runnin' skerred.


INTERNET-GALACTIC SMARTASS REMARKS:
EARTHLING: "You seem to have come to our planet with some kind of a personal problem."

ALIEN: You'll think personal problem when I scorch your damn planet about three times."

SCORCHEE: "I don't think that will be necessary at all."

ALIEN: Seems to me I'm gona have to. Damn low road son of a bitch, I'll take a damn matter reverser to your damn ass...


 

BAD DAY IN POCATELLLO: EPISODE 58
By Omar Newby

Back in '26, Ole Caz had a job in Idaho pickin potatoes. Twas the summertime and the boy had a head full of lice and crotch full of crabs. It was nasty. On top of that, it was skeeter season, and his arms were dotted with red lumps of bloated flesh. One night, him and some of the other pickers went out coon-hunting in the Pocatello hills. After hours of scouring the countryside for a sign of the varmints, finally Caz located a specimen. Seems that coon took a liking to him, as the two were intertwined in a sexual embrace fore Caz took him in as his personal pet. So much for coon-hunting. By and by, the boy took a job as a bouncer in a Pocatello strip joint. He kept picking by day and bouncing at night. Pretty damn soon, the old boy had burnt the candle at both ends. He was mad. One night, a pretty boy came into the club. His name was Hiram Kristoph Noey V. Now these two boys did not see eye to eye at all. Along with his cohort, Jeremiah Hollingsworth Grindell, the two cossacks dragged little Hiram out to the river. Later in his nineties, Caz would brag ferociously in a senilic rage about the night, "I had to kill a man". Pretty damn soon, the depression set in all acrost the country and Caz had to git on home to his mama in Sevierville. Living off starvation wages, he started growing some hootchie koo to sell in the red light district of Knoxville-the famous corner of Jackson and Central Streets. Twasn't till '39 that the now bald entrepreneur reentered the legit world of groceries. By then Coonballs, his faithful companion had died and Caz decided to return to good graces of human sexuality. His mama spoke in tongues that fine day.


Episode 26: Caz and The Jews: The War for Independence

Phone rings. It's March of 1948 and Caz is in his pajamas after doing the nasty with Ardelia S. Ogle III, wife of the current Sevier County attorney general, Johnny "Slappy" Ogle. Holding his thang with a yeller hanky, he answers: Yeah. Caz Wolker here. I'm the damn mayor of Knoxville, Tennessee an' what in tarnation do ye want? At first there's a strange, hebraic silence on the other end. Finally, a wispy willowy Jewish voice comes across the crackling connection.

VOICE: Is dis de handsome and femous Caz Wolker, de man wiz the beautiful phallous and a coonskin hat?

CAZ: That's right. Where the hell is this damn call coming from? It's sounds strangely kosher to me.

VOICE: Oh, dis is so wonneful to talk to you. My name is Golda Meir. I grew up in Milwaukee and once I took a trip to Florida wiz my wonneful fader and we stopped in Knoxville to shop for some groceries and you were standing there
proud, tall, and somewhat hicky I might say, and you were playing Rocky Top on your little banjo. Oy, vat a man I said-I was only sixteen but I vas in love, darling.

CAZ: Well, well, well. What can I do fer you, little lady? First of all, can you please tell me where in the hell you are?

GOLDA: I am in Palestine. We are fighting for our independence. I am calling you not because you are my first love, not because of your delicious groceries, not because you're a mayor of a town most people have never heard of, not because you shtupping every woman from Memphis to Kingsport.

CAZ: Hey that's just not true-I only concentrate on wimmen from Loudon, Sevier, McMinn, and Knox Counties although I do like them Roane County ladies too.

GOLDA: Listen to me, CAZ. Ve have a very serious problem. Ve are fighting for our lives. Ve are fighting people who hate us through and through-they are believe it or not worse than the Nazis. Ve are fighting Arabs. This is why we
need your help.

CAZ: But, but, but, why me? I'm jest a silly old hillbilly with a slick head enna good side of beef.

GOLDA: You hit the nail right on the head. Ve picked you because you are just what the Arabs fear the most-a wild-assed redneck-

CAZ: Well shit. I get my best sausages from you Hebes. I'll do anything you want. Just let me know what you want.

GOLDA: Ve vant somebody that vill pick up a shotgun and-

CAZ: Say no more. You said the magic words. Hellfire, I'm getting a damn boner just from thinkun about my beloved shotgun. Honey iffun you want me over in the Holy land to take some camel jockeys on, well By God, I'll be thar in no
damn time. Just give me a few minutes to pack up some grits, jerky, and PBR and I'll be on my damn way-

GOLDA: You must wear a skull cap in our land-

CAZ: I'll wear a beanie on any head you want me to as long as I get a little Jewish tail-is that part of the bargain?

GOLDA: Oy vaismir, a schkutz no less. Vat vould I tell my poor parents?

CAZ: Baby, if I rub the stink out of some shit-eating Egyptians, then praise the lord, I deserve some ever loving Jewish damn pussy-

GOLDA: Caz, come, ve'll feed you and you can have vatever you want. Just bring some of those city-councilmen and their goyisha sawed-off shotguns and everyting will be just fine.

CAZ: You bet your fine tushy I'll be thar in no time. Islam will never know what hit it-when Caz is in town nobody's safe, not even Mohammed by God!Praise the damn lord! Can I bring my snakes?

GOLDA: Dese, I vould leave behind except the vun in your pants.

CAZ: Shooey, hells'a poppin' baby. I'll have to fly in my damn B-52 straight outa McGhee-Tyson. It's gonna be wild!!!!
At that point the connection is broken. Ardelia looks up at him with a disparaging stare.

CAZ: Well what are you looking at? I'm going to the holyland. I'm the new damn Messiah! I'm Jesus Damn Wolker. I'm CAZ Christ baby.

ARDELIA: You ain't nothing goddammit. Hand me those chicken fryers-I ain't leaving here without something worth my damn time.

CAZ: Hey, those are 99 cents a pound. I ain't parting with them fer nothing. Ardelia dresses quickly and heads out the door. As she leaves she offers this last admonition.

ARDELIA: Honey, you ain't no damn messiah. When you git over there, them a-rabs are kick yer little hicky ass. I'm going home to Johnny for some real loving-none of this stupid grocery store lowlife shit. Fucking you is like a day in church when the preacher decides to fart the blessings through his asshole. End of scene

 


||||||||||||||| CAZMANIA - Revisited |||||||||||||||||||||(Reprinted with Permission from: The Cultural Anthropological Digest, Dec 1996) (Cited: Jerkes Research - High Primate Division, Appalachian Society of the Sick Hick Journal June 1999, "The Propping Up of a Legend")

CAZMANIA is sweeping the city with thousands of shaved heads, slender black ties, tweed suits, and birth control glasses. The craze has gone beyond masquerading as the canned good patriarch and has taking over young and old alike with the CAZ's now trying to sell each other coon dogs and miracle salves. City council meetings will never be the same by the number of clones who wish to disrupt the meetings with faint esoteric ramblings. Sherrif Luther Swumpback said: "We caint all be CAZ. CAZ is CAZ. If CAZ waddunt CAZ, then you couldnt be CAZ you see.... We caint all go around "Your'e CAZ, he's CAZ, WEEEEEEO look at MEEEEE I'M CAZ!" Thars just so many people that can be CAZ, and after that its a damn joke. What I'm trying to say is fer-git CAZ. I'm beggin you, don't do this thing." JERKES ANALYSIS: People of this region are clinging to the identity of a local aged merchant. Captured by his backward charm, they wish to re-kindle the faded glory of an oppressive reign that was part discount food chain and part political movement, and yet neither. The coon hunting is a way to externalize the CAZ anxiety which may be helpful in resolving this mass identity crisis. RESOLVE THIS: Saturday Night 8:00pm, February 3rd, 1998 at Ciderville's EXCITING CiderDome! BE THAR! MEET THE LEGEND! SEE LIVE CAZ - Admission 35 cents. Also, attend The Massive Marathon Coon Hunt, South Knoxville, Midnight, February 10th, 1998.


 

||||||| JERKES PRIMATE LABORATORY  ||||||||  JERKES REPORT |||  
DEALING WITH THE CAZ OBSESSION    17 Sep 2009

Knoxville, Tennessee Department of Health and Human Services is overwhelmed with calls from citizens coping with the CAZ obsession. The local phenomenon has gone to extremes with throngs of teenagers disrupting city council meetings, quoting canned good prices,  cursing city councilmen and ranting about dog thieves.  Knox county resident Wanda Goins says: "It's hard to hannel a four year old talking in that squeaky-scratchy voice and carrying on about wanting to go to Happy Holler or go a-coon hunting!  I caint take no more!"  said Ms. Goins.  There are some positive side effects however, as pet care stores are doing well in the dog dip, and hound behavior books. Recommendations for Dealing with the CAZ Obsession:


Remember, this is 2009
· You don't have to buy the number 10 cans if you don't want
· Raccoons only come out at night

||||| IMPORTANT NOTE: |||||

After consulting with officials at the Cider Barn Entertainment Facility (CAZDOME) located in Cidorville, Tennessee, you are regretfully informed that the cultural event schedule for Saturday night has been postponed indefinitely. Sandra Weally a spokesperson for Living Taxidermy Productions representing CAZ and CAZ appearances said Wednesday that "CAZ has been a-comin but dont look like he can come any more. Yep, CAZ is about played out, so you and all those nutty goofballs can kiss that last coon hunt goodbye." she said. Her remarks, translated by anthropological linguistics specialists at Jerkes Primate Laboratories seem to indicate that the folk hero is bed-ridden and will most likely cancel any future appearances. Weally added "He's been down before though..." referring to the time he was stripped of his dogs and sent to an old folks home where he 'threw off 21of his pills' and escaped. It is at this time advised to let go of this and other backward or jackass cult figures for inspriation and spiritual guidance and set your sights on your new and true lord - Johnny Knoxville.


|||| ((JERKES PRIMATE LABORATORIES)) |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Modern Anthropological Trends Study: Dastardly Deeds of the 90s.

All you have to do is think of something enormously horrible and it will be on the news in two days. Is there some nationwide abnormality or a contest to see who can commit the most repulsive and wretched act? Snuff out a family, is a choirboys picnic compared to the antics of the modern media fueled varmits of today. Shake a Baby to Death? "Hey, I’m a celebrity now - dont mess with me! Imagine the court scene: "Humm?" The jury says, "They might have a point." "When you need a fetus, hey? What chu gona do?" Make your own is what I say. Or the Mother that slow bakes her kids in the back of a hot van while she is off doin Mexican cowboy in a highway motel for coke. If anything has gone wrong in this country it's the sanity of the people. JERKES Primate Labs Modern Anthropological Trends Study has prepared a list with ratings for the Best Dastardly Deeds of the 90s, for research only. Please fill in your score. Your reply will be held by the strictest standard of Internet confidentiality. TEST OUT:

BAKING THE KIDS = 500 MERITS
SNUFFING OUT FAMILY = 850 MERITS
CON AN OLD FOLKS HOME = 125 MERITS
SHOOTING UP A SCHOOL YARD = 1250 MERITS
AMPHI-CAR KIDDIE RIDE= 2,500
DATING THE KIDS = 175 MERITS
BALLING FOR DOPE = 200 MERITS
FETUS ROBBING = 1000 MERITS (*BEST NEW INNOVATION AWARD)
DRUNK IN COURT = 1 MERIT
BAKING AND BALLING = 750 MERITS
SHOOTING YOUR TEACHER = 1500 MERITS
COLOMBIAN NECKTIE THE EX = 250 MERITS
RECYCLING COFFINS = 150 MERITS (TENNESSEE RULES)
CHILD MOLESTING MINISTERS=250 MERITS
EAT NEIGHBORS=1,000 MERITS

GRADE AND DESCRIPTION CLASS:
A=SCHOOLYARD ARCHER
B=NATURAL BORN SKINHEAD
C=DISCIPLE OF SATAN
D=YOUNG REPUBLICAN
F=GODLESS ANARCHIST

Your grade will be returned upon request. Reply by e_mail. (JERKES PRIMATE LABORATORIES - Bringing The Anthropology Home To Roost |||| From the Essay "You Cant Kill White Trash." Copyright 1995 @ Roto Press International 1996. ||| The Anthropological Research Professional Prestige Journal - Omar Newby Pres. |||| Ray's Ice House all night delivery, $12.00 Bud cases, Imports, Party Kegs and The major motion picture
"Keep the Primates Coming"

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INTERNET COMMUNICATIONS MEMORANDUM

Reference: Procedural Revision 2001; In order to facilitate and maintain
proper sequence of events, action must be taken to preclude any mishap
in the mutli-step process. Correct procedure is determinate upon the
primary communication of shit to precipitate the serial occurrence of
repercussive slappage.

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FUTURE NECK (From the Seminar) DTD 12 Oct 1999  
UNA University Urban Anthropology Studies Department

Continuing in the studies of the high primates. The future for the American redneck is outlined in preserving the tradition of ignorance, backing up intellectual shortcomings with violence, the dousing of brain waves with cheap beer...going forthright with the numbing of the brain to preclude any decent thought passing through. This is a certain future. Following are a list of predictions for Hickscentia 2020:

* No longer will the neck have to go down to the corner in the middle of the night for a pack of "pell mells" since the cigarette length will be increase to over two feet long.

*Drunk driving laws will be repealed by right wing violence.

* Wives will be slapped around trailors by robots remotely controlled by the Techno-Neck while he views pay for view cock fights, and guzzels instant beer.

* Cigarette smoke banned in public buildings, will be produced in massive quanities, blended with stale beer stank, cheap after shave and blasted over citys by colossal fans.

* The three day gruff will be standard business wear.

* Pickup truck dash boards will be equipped with a "That Nashville Sound Generator." The TNSG will synthesize a standard country hit on the fly, in real time.

* A national accounting organization will be established to record how many bar fights are started by an individual. Merit points will be awarded - good towards lawn furtinure, western shirts, and lube jobs.

The Jerky Labs Institute requests your vote for any of the following tags to replace the archaic title - "Redneck."Modbilly, Techno-Neck, Hill-Hick, Really hilly billy, Tobbacco Lip, The Hill-William, New age mountain goat, hog lot attendant, backwoods Technician, Nuevo Hill Loafer, Future-Neck, Red Bill, Compu-Red. Stick-Hick. Chose one and thank you. (We know he is a baboon we have studied him for years -Beaula Slet 1973)

 

|||||||||| INTERNET BRAIN INFORMATION CENTER |||||||||||

As an information service to InterNet users, the Internet Brain Information Center was established. This encyclopedia is available to clear up confusion of the most mis-understood organ in the human body. Facts may be disseminated for business and technical research, college writing projects, dispelling rumors, and preventing aurguments. Any comments or submissions must be addressed to the InterNet Brain Information Center. (Division - Jerke Primate Lab)

|||||||| BRAIN THINGS:

CORRODED BRAIN EFFECT: That is where the brain is wore out, tore up, or broke.

BRAIN FREEZE: Cant think of anything, forgot, dont know.

PROFANITY: The effect of a weak brain trying to express itself forcefully.

ICE BRAIN: Saying stupid things, could be gotten from drinking too much ice beer.

BRAIN STEAM: That is the brain giving off a kind of gas that happens after thinking too hard.

BRAIN-TUBE SYNDROME: That is where the brain cant hannel or think of anything unless it is coming from the TV.

BRAIN JELLY: It is real stuff, not something that is eaten though, except by one of those night of the living dead guys.

BRAIN RAIN: That is when it is raining in the brain, or the blues.

SOUSE: Ok to eat this brain.

CHILLED MONKEY BRAINS: The effect on a monkey brain when the monkey hangs and chills, an exotic desert popularized by motion picture star Indiana Jones, an eating brain.

NO BRAINER: When you haven't got time to munch a brain.

BAD BRAIN: A brain gone bad, or (from the pop culture) one that has thought of something super-cool.

HEADACHE: When the brain is sore and throbbing, can be caused by the brain getting hurt on some alcohol.

PEE BRAIN: (Slang) When it is said: "He is a real brain - a whizz."

BLACK BRAIN CONDITION: Too much cola, cigarettes, and chocolate are to blame for blackening the brain.

GOO GOO BRAIN: a brain that has gone goofy.

FOOTBALL BRAIN AGITATUS: (FBA) Characterized by aggravated bouts of fowl language, fitful violent swinging of arms, and sometimes vomiting.

PUTTY BRAIN: A brain that may be formed like playdough.

BRAIN STAIN: A spot left where the brain was or a discoloration caused by drinking to much kool aid, cherry being the best.


 

|||| Jerkes Bulletin: NewThanksMasWeenunkah|||||


Today's powerful mecantile industry has insisted on changing the holidays to suit a clamoring public. Much in the way that Hallmark creates a holiday to enhance corporate earnings, Madison Avenue has now successfully combined the holidays into an eight week bank account massacre. The new holiday will fold Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve into: NewThanksMasWeen. A spokesman for big business underworld said "The icons, decorations, and customs will have to change slightly. The old will have to go, so that the new may be purchased." Here are some things to expect: NewThanksMas-Trick or NewThanksMas-Treat pranks may be played throughout the season, However, it is important to consider the escalated price and quality of treats expected from the merry visitors: Electronics, video games, high end fashions, and the like. Conversely, the pranks are of course more serious too. A traditional Christmas is celebrated for an entire week on either side of December 25th. The two week giving campaign is designed to stop complaints that celebraters didnt get what they wanted. Gay apparell - designer labels of course. The antiquated Santa Claus will slim down and be a wolfman and in a metallic suit. A year later his name will change to Power Claus. The NewThanksMasWeen Tree will include all influences from all holidays: christmas balls, halloween skulls, new years liquor bottles, and indian tommy hatchets, and not to forget Chanukah. The former Christmas "Pixie" is now an axe wielding little glitter skeleton with a feather headdress. Banks automatically drafts 35% of annual before tax earnings into the convenient NewThanksMasWeen Club. NewThanksMasWeen feasting is now done throughout the season and local civic groups will hold clinics to aid the public with the barfing. The greeting card tradition is of course stronger than ever, each year mail to 100 additional people - even if you don't know them! And to celebrate how the indians helped the pilgrims with spring planting, dress in colonial attire and bury a fresh fish in each of your friends and neighbors yards. New Years Eves are celebrated freely throughout the season as well. This must include taking down the NewThanksMasWeen Tree and burning it. This may be done as many times as desired, as long as it is replaced before the actual date of December 31st, when it is officially taken down and burned. Of course this new season wont be easy to get used to. Just relax and don't worry. Most importantly, don't fight it. You will only spoil the mood and cause holiday depression for others. And as always, if problems do occur this holiday season - throw some money at it! Happy NewThanksMasWeen EVERYONE!

 

Leo is Lyin'

The night was fine and alright too
so it's not that the party wasn't cool
and it wasnt you I was trying to dodge
when I saw your face across the sea of codge
so I's dug me a king size hole
by talking bullshit about wanting joel
so forget who went flying up the driveway
you cant catch an O'Dell who dont want to stay
I just couldnt hang I dont know why
I only knew I had to roll boiy.

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The 14 Commandments of the Radical Right (As an anthropological behavioral study)
By Flush Limburger

1. Thou shalt have no other God before money; after all, it's thy back-pocket that counts. For If thou doth not make thyself rich, who will?

2. Thou shalt not make any graven image out of big business. For it is in trickle down we still trust.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, for he may be a democrat to turn republican while in office.

4. Remember the anniversaries of Waco and Ruby Ridge and keep them holy.

5. Honor thy mother. If she is dysfunctional like mine was, it is thy father's fault.

6. Thou shalt not kill. With the exception of accidents on schoolyards with illegal guns.

7. Thou will strike down all bans on asault weapons, and any other deadly weapon of force that make our streets safe.

8. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless thou aspirest to high political office, and if thou hast... dont throw the first stone.

9. Thou shalt not steal. Unless it is statistics gathered by public resources that may be misrepresented to a large radio and TV audience.

10. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless it is to debase the great satans of America: The democrats, blacks, catholics, jews,
homosexuals, intellectuals, and labor union members.

11. Thou shalt not covet. Do as it is in heaven, have an anal retentive devotion to secure a successful financial portfolio.

12. Always hide the real truth about thy aspirations, to bring back social oppression, in a big way.

13. Always blame Hillary for the greatest wrongs - the greatest being Chelsea.

14. Thou shalt oppose all punishment in book deals. return home


NOTE: Most ideals expressed in the Anthropole discussion forums are screwed to the wall.  Let the reader chose as to what is just and prudent. UNA Curator.

 

Credits, Bibliography & Copyrights |||UNA|||2009

Jerkes IgnoNet News & Information Group
Jerkes Primate Laboratory News Service
The Underground National Archives Cultural Studies Department
The New Ape Research Project
The Watch Rat News
Appalachian Institute for Advanced Ignorance
UNA University Urban Anthropology Studies Department
Grover Kramps Phd. University of Oregon Anthropology Department.
National Geographick Magazine
Appalachian Society for the Sick Hick
The Gut of Farra Press Enterprize
US Nude & World Report
copyrights
Copyright Silly Dawn Productions 1997
Copyright David J. O'Dell 1990 (C) UNA1990 - All Rights Reserved.

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